Oh my Lord, I am cooked!. My skin is so baked by the sun it smells like fried chicken. I swear it actually does! At this point, my tan lines are so distinct, it's embarrassing. Especially my butt!! Even with my clothes off, it looks like I'm wearing white shorts! What do I do? I can't garden naked, and even if I did I don't think my butt would ever catch up with my back.
Am I destined to spend my summer looking ridiculous? Nothing screams farm girl like two-toned skin. And yes, I know... no one is looking at my naked body (unfortunately).. but I know how silly it looks.
But alas, I have a plan. It involves a little something called self-tanner. Maybe I can just apply it to the unexposed parts of me, evening out the colour. Even just a little bit. I have to be careful though, self-tanner is tricky. The first time I ever used it, I slathered thick gobs of it all over my face and neck. When I woke up, my face was the colour of pumpkin pie. No kidding, ask my friends. And yes, my mother actually made me go to school that day. People still bug me about it. And that was over a decade ago.
Now, I'm more experienced with the stuff, but it's still intimidating. The only thing worse that a glowing white butt would be a glowing orange butt!! But I'm being careful, slowly building up the tan. And making sure I wash my hands afterwards to avoid the tell-tale orange hands that let everyone know your "healthy tan" is actually chemically induced. I'm somewhat confidant this genius plan will work... Now i just need to work on finding someone to appreciate my handiwork!
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